


now I'm swimming in nothing (only blues are on my mind)

by groves625



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Control, Meditation, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship, the tanks can have a little softness. as a treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25816735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groves625/pseuds/groves625
Summary: "Just - tough fight, y’know?” she stutters. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more useful.”“Hey, no -” Beau takes a step forward, taking a seat facing Yasha on the edge of the cliff. “That wasn’t your fault. That asshole, like, hypnotized you, okay? There was nothing you could do.”Yasha huffs out a humorless laugh. “That’s exactly the problem, isn’t it?”ORBeau and Yasha meditate.Spoilers through episode 105.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 14
Kudos: 329





	now I'm swimming in nothing (only blues are on my mind)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Fire Under Water" by Girl Blue.
> 
> beta'd by Leah aka teke

Yasha sits on the edge of the cliff, overlooking the deep blue of the ocean and the roaring waterfall, absentmindedly picking at grass and rocks and tossing them into the fountain below. The Mighty Nein had recently emerged from Vokodo’s cavern, battered and blistered, and quickly boarded Eden’s Horizon to take a rest after the harrowing battle. By the time they had made it that far, the once boiling water had cooled significantly, and Vilya confirmed that the volcanic activity appeared to have subsided with Vokodo’s demise. 

Most of the group had collapsed onto the deck of the ship, eager to take this time to rest and heal their wounds. Jester and Caduceus cast their spells, Caleb poured over his books, Fjord and Veth each quickly passed out for a short nap, but Yasha couldn’t seem to rest. Her mind wouldn’t still, and she found herself filled with restless energy. She needed to get away from the group.

It happened  _ again _ .

She had spent half the battle uselessly enthralled by their enemy. As soon as they entered the chamber, she felt Vokodo’s presence invade her mind and, try as she might, she couldn’t get him out. Hopelessly entranced by the would-be god, able to do nothing but follow him and offer herself up for the taking.

At least she hadn’t hurt anyone - this time.

Not like months ago when Yasha fell under the Incubus’ spell, charmed into turning on her friends. She painfully remembers the wounds she inflicted on Caleb, on Beau, before her friends managed to snap her out of it. 

Not like yesterday -  _ yesterday _ \- when a ghost possessed her body and caused her to promptly attack Jester, breaking through the tiefling’s defenses and leaving a gash across her shoulder. Jester was quick to force the ghost from the barbarian’s body, but not before the damage was done. Again.

Not like the months she had spent mind-controlled by Obann, terrorizing not only her friends but an entire continent.

She thought she was done with this. She  _ wanted _ to be done with this. Obann took her mind, her body - he made her do terrible, horrible things for him for weeks without end. From the moment she felt his presence invade her mind in the tomb beneath Bazzoxan, she could see what her body was doing. She could see her friends cowering in fear, forced to fight against their friend, but she was powerless to stop herself - powerless to stop him.

Yasha reaches up to rub the back of her neck - she can still feel Obann’s magic burning beneath her skin.

“Hey.”

Yasha startles. She hadn’t heard Beau approaching, sure that nobody could reach her up here. But now the monk stands a few feet from her, a soft, inquisitive look on her face.

“How did you even get up here?” Beau asks.

“Caleb,” Yasha replies. “How did you get up here?”

“Caleb.”

Yasha snorts. She’s not sure what she expected.

“You okay?”

Yasha lowers her hand that she realizes is still pressed to her neck, and drops her gaze.

“Oh - umm, yeah. Just - tough fight, y’know?” she stutters. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more useful.”

“Hey, no -” Beau takes a step forward, taking a seat facing Yasha on the edge of the cliff. “That wasn’t your fault. That asshole, like, hypnotized you, okay? There was nothing you could do.”

Yasha huffs out a humorless laugh. “That’s exactly the problem, isn’t it?”

Beau’s face falls as she turns to dangle her legs over the edge. “Shit - Yasha, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you, especially after… everything that happened.”

“Yeah.”

Silence falls heavy between them and for a few moments they just sit together, Yasha picking at the grass once more. Finally, Beau speaks.

“Hey, do you wanna try something?”

Beau looks at her eagerly with the same soft smile on her face, and Yasha finds herself nodding.

“Uhh - yeah, sure -”

“Awesome,” Beau hoists herself up to stand once more, her head swiveling, searching. When she appears to have made up her mind, she reaches her hand down to Yasha. “C’mon, follow me. I can’t hear shit over this fucking geyser.”

Yasha tentatively takes Beau’s proffered hand. She doesn’t have time to dwell on the gesture, on the calluses on Beau’s skin, and how easily their hands fit together before Beau is pulling her up to stand with her. 

The jagged rocks give way to soft grass that leads back into the forest. But Beau turns to Yasha, still smiling and grasping her hand, and tugs her along the edge of the cliff, away from the roar of the waterfall. Yasha is grateful that Beau is facing forward, away from her, so she doesn’t see the color that fills Yasha’s cheeks.

Beau finally stops when she finds a spot she likes - a spot on the cliff that juts out from the rest, with soft grass reaching to the very edge - and gazes out over the ocean.

“Gorgeous, right? Couldn’t help but notice when I got flung on my ass up here the other day.”

Yasha smiles and nods. The sky is clear that day, bright sunlight reflecting off the deep blue of the ocean. Yasha hears birds on the gentle breeze and the waves crashing into the rocks below. She had been so caught up in her own head she hadn’t really appreciated the view until now.

“It really is peaceful up here,” Yasha agrees. “Despite everything.”

“Right, that’s the point,” Beau says, nodding. “This might be stupid, but… I, uh - I was wondering if you wanted to try meditating. With me?”

Whatever Yasha was expecting to come from this trip, it wasn’t that. She had seen Beau meditate a couple of times before but always gave the monk space, let her have the solitude she needed. She feels honored that Beau wants to share this with her.

Yasha’s moment to process must have come off as hesitation, as Beau’s eyes drop and her hands start gesturing placatingly.

“I mean, you totally don’t have to. It’s just - sometimes it helps me to really clear my head and focus, and I thought maybe it would help you, y’know, when dickheads try and get in your head and shit and -”

“Beau,” Yasha stops her, and Beau meets her gaze. “I would love to meditate with you.”

“Okay. Yeah. Awesome,” Beau visibly relaxes, taking a seat in the grass facing Yasha, her cloak splayed out behind her as she pats the ground in front of her. “Pop a squat, then.”

Yasha lowers herself to the grass, mirroring Beau’s cross-legged position. 

“So the goal is to clear your mind,” Beau explains. “Which honestly can be fucking hard, so, look - I hated meditating for a long time, and it took me a long time to really get it, so don’t worry if you don’t get the hang of it right away, okay?”

Yasha nods, taking a deep breath and sitting up straight and positioning her hands on her knees in an attempt to mimic Beau’s posture. The monk shifts forward and gently adjusts Yasha’s hands so that her thumb and middle finger are touching, and once again Yasha is struck by how gentle Beau’s hands can be.

Beau sits back and closes her eyes, and Yasha follows suit. 

“I’ve been able to meditate best by the ocean,” Beau continues. “The sound of the water helps me drown out everything else, but you can honestly focus on whatever you want.”

Yasha nods, despite neither of them being able to see the other. She consciously tries to slow her breathing and sit still and relaxed, just like she’s seen Beau do before. She hears the distant roar of the waterfall at the entrance of the cavern and the much closer crash of the waves against the rocky cliff face below, and she does her best to focus on those sounds and tune everything else out. 

Easier said than done. 

Just sitting there with her eyes closed, Yasha is painfully aware of the birds cawing overhead, of the grass tickling her legs and making them itch, of the slow, deep breaths of her companion, and the warmth she still feels on her hands.

Beau. 

Strong, beautiful, tenacious Beau. Yasha finds herself reminiscing on all the times Beau has fearlessly thrown herself into battle; skillfully faced off with enemies more than twice her size, the cocky grin she occasionally threw over her shoulder at Yasha, just to make sure she’s watching.

Unbidden, more images come to Yasha’s mind - Beau fiercely battling  _ her _ . Beau apologizing as she throws punches at Yasha to try and snap her out of the Incubus’ control - Beau sneaking up on her at the Wraithroot tree, a wry “Hi,” before Yasha gives chase - Beau falling beneath the warrior’s sword on the steps of the Chantry of the Dawn, blood pooling beneath her chest and spilling from her mouth as she coughs and sputters - the light leaving Beau’s eyes as Yasha raises Skingorger to deliver the killing blow.

Yasha feels her heart start to race, and her slow, careful breathing becomes short and ragged. She tries to recenter herself, listen to the ocean or birds, or whatever the fuck - but she can’t. All she sees is every time she’s lost control - every time she’s hurt someone she loves - because she wasn’t strong enough.

Yasha feels on the edge of full-blown panic when she feels a hand gently grasp her own. Her eyes shoot open to meet Beau’s piercing blue gaze, full of worry.

“Hey,” Beau breathes. “What’s wrong?”

Yasha takes a shaky breath before releasing an involuntary sob. Beau moves quickly, shifting forward so their knees are touching, taking both of Yasha’s hands in her own.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Yasha. Hey, Yasha, look at me,” Beau holds Yasha’s hands tightly, but her right hand twitches, unsure how else to comfort the other woman. She settles for anchoring her grasp. “You can talk to me. If you want.”

Yasha squeezes Beau’s hands back just as tightly and finally forces herself to look up. Beau patiently waits, her expression worried, and her thumbs rub soothing circles on the back of Yasha’s hands.

“I just -” Yasha stutters, and her eyes drop again. “I’ve hurt so many people.” Beau’s face falls as Yasha continues. “I’ve hurt my friends, I hurt  _ you _ . God - Beau, I’ve hurt you so many times.” Yasha’s voice cracks as her tears start to flow free.

This time Beau doesn’t hesitate to reach up and tenderly brushes the tears from Yasha’s cheek. Beau cups Yasha’s face in her hand and urges her gaze upwards.

“Hey, no. No, Yasha, it wasn’t your fault. Do you hear me?  _ It wasn’t your fault _ . I know you’d never hurt any of us.”

“Beau, I almost  _ killed _ you -”

“But you didn’t! You didn’t, okay? I’m here,” Beau’s hand leaves Yasha’s face to take one of Yasha’s hands in both of her own, and she brings Yasha’s hand to press flat against her chest, directly above Beau’s heart. “I’m here, and I’m healthy. Relatively speaking.”

Yasha swallows hard and closes her eyes. She lets herself feel the steady thump of Beau’s heart beneath her hand. Slowly, her tears stop, and she feels her breathing slow.

“I just -” Yasha breaks the silence. “I wasn’t strong enough. To resist. I wasn’t strong enough to - to keep them from using me.”

“Yasha, you are the strongest person I know,” Beau insists. Yasha looks away. Her hand drops from Beau’s chest, but Beau doesn’t let go. “I mean it. I don’t know many other people who could go through all the shit you have and come out of it with your heart. You’re a hell of a survivor, Yash.”

Yasha’s head remains bowed, but she squeezes Beau’s hands.

“The only people at fault here are the assholes who manipulated you, you hear me?” Beau emphasizes. After a moment, Yasha nods.

“Okay, then.” Beau perks up. “As for being able to resist supernatural dickwads, we can work on that, alright? We can work on it as long as you need to. Let’s try again.”

Yasha nods as she sits up, sniffles, and wipes the remaining tears off her face. Beau maintains her closeness, her knees to Yasha’s as she resumes her meditation position. Before closing her eyes, Yasha hesitates.

“Can I -” Yasha falters, “Can I touch you? While we’re meditating, I mean.”

“Yeah, of course,” Beau smiles softly. She reaches her hands out, palms up, and Yasha rests her own in them, squeezing gently.

“Thanks.”

Beau nods as she sits back up and closes her eyes. Yasha does the same.

“So, whenever I feel something try to get into my head control me, I try to focus on just one thing, anything else except for that voice in my head,” Beau begins. “There’s a special technique for it that the monks taught me, and it took me a long time to master, but it can’t hurt to practice, right?”

“Just one thing,” Yasha repeats. “Okay.”

Yasha focuses and tries to clear her mind. This time, she doesn’t even try to fight it - she focuses on Beau. She zeroes in on the sensation of Beau’s bony knees pressed against hers, of the way Beau’s small hands cradle Yasha’s much larger ones, the steady thrum of the quiet monk’s pulse beneath her fingers. She listens for Beau’s breath and tries to match the rhythm with her own.

More memories rise to the surface, but these are different.

She remembers, after Obann, how Beau welcomed her back to the group with no complaint, even while still nursing the wound that Yasha gave her.

She remembers their last watch together before they reached Bazzoxan, the way Beau reached out and opened up about her past, the way she refused to judge Yasha for her own.

She remembers every time Beau was there for her, checked in on her, defended her.

She remembers the tears in Beau’s eyes as the younger girl heard about Zuala for the first time, and as Yasha shamefully admitted that she ran away, Beau adamantly voiced that same sentiment:

“You’re a survivor.”

Yasha realizes whether they were awkwardly flirting, or grieving, or fighting, either together or against one another, Beau has always been in her corner. She needs something steadfast to focus on, something that drowns out everything else? It’s Beau. Nothing else could compare.

The beginnings of guilt try to stab at her heart, a gut reaction to so many years of mourning. But Yasha remembers her dream from only the night before. A way up and out of the storm, but Zuala, her  _ wife _ , chained down below. Yasha meant what she said to the Stormlord, she doesn’t want to be afraid anymore, she wants to take that leap. And in the back of her mind, she hears Zuala’s parting words.

“I’m proud of you. Don’t let me be a shackle.”

She remembers when she thought her heart would never heal. That the pain of losing Zuala was doomed to fester in her chest for the rest of her life. But she was wrong. She’s started to feel different these past few months - happier, lighter, able to enjoy the little things and form a new family.

She will never stop loving Zuala, that much she is sure of. But maybe, just maybe… she might be able to love somebody else, too.

Yasha opens her eyes. She has no idea how long they’ve been meditating, but over the ocean, the sun sits lower in the sky. Yasha’s head feels more clear than it has in years.

Across from her, Beau’s eyes are still closed, her breathing steady, hands still holding Yasha’s. Slowly, Yasha moves one hand up to tenderly cradle Beau’s cheek. For a moment, Beau’s eyes open and meet her own, her breath catching as Yasha’s hand moves to grasp the back of Beau’s head, and she leans forward and brushes their lips together in a gentle kiss.

For a moment, Beau is still. Yasha lets herself savor the warmth, the softness of Beau’s lips against her own, bracing for the other woman to pull away - but she doesn’t. Beau’s muscles relax, and her lips move against Yasha’s gently, but eagerly. Emboldened, Yasha brings her other hand up to Beau’s cheek to deepen the kiss, pouring every emotion she cannot yet articulate into Beau’s skin, and Beau responds in kind, her hands grasping at Yasha’s forearms even as Yasha slows and eventually pulls back. 

Their eyes stay closed, their foreheads resting together as Yasha’s thumb strokes down Beau’s cheek and over her lips. The air is still, peaceful - they could still be meditating but for the sound of their ragged breathing. 

“Thank you,” Yasha breathes. “I don’t expect - you don’t have to say anything. Just… thank you.”

“Y-yeah,” Beau mutters as Yasha leans back, her hands dropping down to embrace Beau’s once more. “I mean, you’re a natural.”

“I had a good teacher.” 

She can hardly keep the smile off her face, and from the looks of it, Beau is having the same struggle. Yasha wants to live in this moment forever. But the low, orange sunlight that colors their surroundings reminds her that nightfall is quickly approaching.

“Should we head back? I’m sure the others are wondering where we went.”

“Ugh, probably,” Beau mumbles as she begrudgingly gets to her feet, one hand still holding onto Yasha’s as the barbarian also rises. “And Yasha, I, uh -” her free hand rubs the back of her neck, “I’m around, whenever you wanna meditate. Just let me know, ‘kay?”

This time Yasha isn’t afraid of Beau seeing the blush that fills her cheeks.

“Okay.”

The crash of the ocean and the scenic island views are nothing compared to the hand with its fingers entwined with hers, pulling her back towards home.

**Author's Note:**

> another episode, another fic of me saying "but what if they talked about their trauma"
> 
> find me on tumblr @groves or on twitter @groves625
> 
> also check out the amazing art of this fic by [expositorlionett](https://expositorlionett.tumblr.com/post/626203685405573120/stillness-of-mind-based-on-the-fic-now-im) !!


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